I admit that I was somewhat prideful as I was growing up when it came to Oklahoma ..and I also admit I am not really sure why. The Musical Oklahoma was a huge hit in the 50's ...and to have the place of your mothers birth immortalized in song was perhaps part of that ... The name Oklahoma comes from the Choctaw phrase okla humma, literally meaning red people. the fact that my Mother was part Cherokee may have also had a part in my pride . And at the same time the University of Oklahoma Sooners were on top of the football world . Guided by the Legendary Bud Wilkenson.
The last time I had been in Oklahoma was in 1960. I spent a summer there , Traveling by bus to Muldrow, and returning with my parents at the end of the Summer. That overland bud trip I suspect must have been partially responsible for my desire to wander about on the highways and byways of this country.
Writing about Oklahoma is complicated for me ...I have family there , dear sweet people ...Kin folk as they call themselves ...Hospitality is a given .. most of my Mothers family is still in the state , she was just one of a very few who escaped the gravity of the hard red clay , the blistering summer heat , and the bitter snows of winter.
As I pushed through the Texas Panhandle and entered Oklahoma ...driving down the dark ribbon of highway , alone in my van , alone in my relationship , looking for something I could not even conceive ... I was for the first time in my life utterly alone ...no friends , no family , no computer ...nothing to distract me from me ...It was a hard drive ...I needed to belong ..to be a part of something.
I realized that most of my life had been centered around me .. Friendship and relationships were for my benefit , not for the benefit of others ..for some 40 odd years I had place my needs , my wants , my ambitions and desires ahead of others . And as much as I would love to blame this current depression on my ex wife , the reality was I Had no one else to blame.
I know now that as I made that lonely drive , I was not really alone , though I had not called on His name He was there with me those long nights ... I just had not seen or heard Him yet
